Love and Loss

I told you I had a blog brewing.... I was thinking of all kinds of eloquent ways to slit my heart open and spill it on your computer screen, but really.... There is no way to do that gracefully.

Anna was about 7 months old when we evaluated our family, and how much Carol and Anna love each other.


As a family we hopefully opened our hearts and home in prayers for a new life. Now, with our girls we were open to life no more than a month before I was expecting. It took about 3 months before we got a positive pregnancy test. Just 3 short days later I started my cycle. I was sad and confused, but we moved on in our hope. At the end of October I went to the Dr. for a toe issue and before prescribing any meds he took a pregnancy test. With a total shock it was positive. We went into Anna's first birthday expecting another sibling by her second. After just a few weeks and urging from family members I called my favorite nurse Maria, to be sure I was on the right track. She said "There IS no such thing as a false positive", we had had a miscarriage a few months ago and I should come in right away to make sure things were going well with this pregnancy. (We named him Able, and in my heart he is Able Benjamin) After an ultra sound we knew there was baby and she was 6 weeks along. "Come back next week, so we can stay on top of it."
The next week the ultrasound was quiet. Baby was dead.

As Catholics we believe that Life begins at conception, so, we had lost our 4Th Child. Carol our first, Anna our Second and now our second miscarriage.

This was the day before Thanksgiving, and the Dr. would see me back on Monday to make some decisions about my health and my baby's body. It was a beautiful holiday with family and friends, but all the while, in the back of my head..... I had a dead baby in my belly.
During this time Dave and I talked about a name for our baby. I knew in my heart she was a girl, and I wanted so badly to name her Lilly. (In my heart she is Lilly Anne)
Monday Dr. Leonard met with us to discus our options. Because baby was so small I chose a DNC at the hospital that night.
Mercy Gilbert Kept our babies body, so we could bury her if we so choose.
Queen of Heave Mortuary has a beautiful ministry with the Knights of Columbus, where they will bury unborn babies for free. They gave us a beautiful coffin with a baby blanket lining the inside. The arrangements were made to bury our little Lilly just a few days before Christmas.

We spent the weekend preparing our coffin, but mostly our hearts for this sad day. We bought a beautiful rosary, in cased in a porcelain image of a infant sleeping. (The Rosary is in the coffin, and the Infant sleeping is on my night table.) Dave went to the store that weekend to choose a little toy to leave in the ground. Its a heartbreaking experience to buy a toy to bury with your child. We both wrote love notes to our Lilly.





The Wednesday before Christmas we gathered at the Cemetery with family and friend. Fr. Charlie (Our Parrish Priest) came too, to lead us in a small service. Lilly in the casket, and flowers near buy we morned the life that wouldn't be. Dave and I cried the whole time, thinking of what the world would miss out on. Our Nieces and Nephews mourned for lost cousins. After prayers and blessings Dave Carried our gift in his arms, for the first time, and laid her in the ground. We dropped roses on her coffin, one for Lilly, one for Able and one for Beth, my sister, lost to miscarriage. It was a sad day, and It was beautiful. To morn lost life, to be thankful for life, and to see what a blessing life is, as my two living children run and jump and sing, in the cemetery. Little Carol even stood at the grave looking in, she dropped a flower and ran off, she put her hand behind her and said, "Bye bye Lilly".

a blog brewing!

I have not forgotten my blog and I have one brewing. As the end of the year rushed tward the Charles family we expierenced quite a lot of sorrow. I want to share that with you, as well as our beautiful and joy filled holliday.
Stay tuned.....

a mess on my shirt

The shirt I have on now, a blue maternity shirt, has spots all over it. Some are from the spaghetti sauce I made last week and forgot to shout it out. Some are from today's lunch, mine, and Anna's. There are a few snot stains from Anna's perpetually runny noes, this week. Lastly, there is a really big one from Vaseline I smothered on Anna's face, cause it is so sore from being wiped all day.
I am a mess, and I am so tired! I am trying to get up early in the morning to have a good walk with my dear friend and neighbor. (in response to the maternity shirt I am still wearing, a year later.) The past few weeks have been rough, and the early mornings are kicking me in the butt. My whole walk I feel like I am walking in a swamp. IT'S HARD THE WHOLE 30 Min.

But right now, I am laughing, so deep in my heart and stomach, it feels good!
I put Carol for a nap, who hasn't slept for her nap in about 2 weeks. 1.5 hours later she is giggling every few min. Every two min. I hear a little giggle. When I finally peeked in her room she was singing and her arms were lifted to the sky, and she was saying "Haloola, Haloola" (ha lay lu ya).
She is a good girl, even when I am a tired mommy and I have to leave the zoo before we saw the zebras.

This is the first time Carol set the table. I gave her some forks and knifes and said, set the table for dinner. She said "mommy, Carol, Daddy".


This is when we set out the pin wheels that aunt Jill gave us. What a great time!






Having babies does a number on your body and emotions. Children seam to have miles more energy than me. But we sure do enjoy each other. And the good news is!!!! Carol loves me, and thinks I am funny and thinks I am a great dancer! EVEN though I am wearing a maternity shirt with weeks worth of spots on them, and haven't showered in days. Today at the Zoo, when we were talking to the ducks and eating a snack Carol said... "Mommy....." - Yes Carol "uboo mommy". (Love you) with a hand on my leg. Come on... you would never say that to me if you were at the zoo with an un-showered, spots on shirt lady. =) She is so gracious!!

Uncle Ron and Aunt Krista

WEW, I know I am behind. It was Late Auguast when Daves Uncle Ron and his wife Krista came for a little visit. It was wonderful to meet them, and for Dave to reconect with them, it had been several years since they had talked.
We spent a few days visiting and playing with the girls. Uncle Ron gained a new best friend. CAROL! She loved him and asked for him for several days after he left.

After

I'm Done I am done! IT took me ALL DAY! And I am tired, really tired! BUT I DID IT! and it was worth it!

Durring

I know it looks worse than before, but really..... Its better. EVery thing is in it's Pile.

Before

I am organizing my girls cloths today. YOu know every few months or so you have to change out babies cloths. Because of size, because of weather..... I feel totally blessed and totally overwhelmed.
Ill let you know how it goes.